Selfless or Selfish?

I'm not this selfless woman that some people think I am.  I am looking after mum because for now it's the best thing for her but also for me. I'm putting my own needs before that of my partner and my kids and for that I'm selfish. And that's ok, for now.

I need to do this so that when she's not in my life anymore I can sit back and know that I've done the best I could and have memories to warm my cockles.  Dementia has given me my mum back.  Well, it hasn't given me my mum back but it has rekindled a relationship with a woman who is my mother and I want to make hay while the sun is still shining.

Our relationship was strained throughout my adulthood as Mum had schizophrenia and when she was having an episode it was horrible and she would say and do really awful things.  No girl should have her mum call her a whore.  No child should be chased and threatened with a dog lead.  No new mum should be woken in the early hours with ranting phone calls.  I feel a bit uncomfortable saying that as I don't want anyone to think badly of mum or pity for me so I say it only because it's real and too common and not talked about enough - mental ill health is a horrible thing and difficult to live with, especially when you're the kid.  But what was hardest was her point blank refusal to admit there was anything wrong, that maybe, just maybe, she had done something hurtful. I adored my mum growing up but I was also really confused by her.  Why did she say and do these things?  I sometimes wish I was more forgiving or more understanding back then but we each make choices that suit the circumstance at the time. And it was far from being bad.  But it was definitely strained.

So as time went on I chose to protect myself from her chaos.  Our relationship was an awkward dance until dementia came along.

Dementia took mums memories which meant she no longer remembered that she didn't approve of my life choices and she no longer focused on what I was (a daughter with all those unwritten expectations) but who I am (Colette) and who she is (Pat). Dementia stripped of all her 'shoulds' - how a mum should be, how a daughter should be, how children should be, and for now revealed her essence - free to do and be whatever and whoever she wants.  It also brought back her honesty - she's not hiding or kidding on anymore.  And while the ripple effect of this freedom isn't all positive with other 'should's' & social norms that I'd love to still there, for our relationship it's been surprisingly positive.

In the past couple of years we've had more open, honest conversations then we have ever had - because I'm no longer her daughter and she is no longer a mother we get to create a whole new relationship.  Don't get me wrong, if I could choose, I wouldn't choose this.  I would love to have a mum who cherished me and her grandchildren but I don't.  What I do have though, is a woman who loves me as her friend, who enjoys my company and thinks my kids are cute but a bit on the noisy side.

I am a selfish woman and happily so.  The time is approaching when I can no longer indulge myself as it's not just about me, I've a gorgeous family to nurture and create memories with too.  But for now, I'm glad I've had the chance to make some new ones with mum.