Feeling alone

Caring can be a lonely old business.  That, I think, was the biggest shock for me.  I had visions of it bringing our family together - of my brothers and dad coming over to visit and our house becoming more of a hive of activity than it was already.  I love the buzz and the chaos that comes with a busy house and I looked forward to it.

To begin with people came to meet mum or those that knew her came to see how she was settling in.  And all was well with the world.

"I can do this!  This is going to work" thinks me.

Then...

It all stopped.

Much like the excitement that comes with a newborn baby - a new kind of normality returns soon after everyone has ooed and ahhed and had a wee cuddle.  That's when the phone stops ringing, the door stops chapping as often and you're left to it. Sink or swim.  And that's how it was, or rather, how it felt after the first few weeks.

We had Homecare carers coming in each day to help mum get washed & dressed in the morning and evening and the rest was down to me.  I'm totally not a home bird! I love getting out & about I love meeting new people.  I love working.  And I couldn't.  OK, I could have, but I was swimming in a self induced pickle sprinkled with a large dose of shell shock and a burning need to make sure mum was ok.

In hindsight I could have yelled louder, I could have asked for more help, I could have hounded social work but without knowing what questions to ask I felt in the dark.  My coaching background has held me in good stead with a lot of things throughout my life and with hindsight I think I had convinced myself I had an edge of invincibility so I was amazed how sanity, skill and common sense dribbled out my ear as my stress levels rose.  Resources are only seen by the resourcesful - and while I never lost the sense that the answers to my needs were at my finger tips, I just couldn't find them.

And I got lonely.

Caring can definitely be lonely work.  Unlike having toddler groups or softplay to go to if and when you want to, caring for someone who is in poor health revolves entirely around them.  It's all very well making plans but if mums not well or not up for going out, it ain't happening.  And that is sooo frustrating.  Wanting and needing a walk in the fresh air then not being free to do so without calling in a favour is soul destroying.

But as time went on I've adjusted.  We got more routine and more sleep and I found my bag of resources - which were, if you were wondering, where they always were and right at my finger tips.

I've learned to ask for help. I've learned to lower my expectations - in a good way, if you know me you know that I've always got a million things on the go! I've learned to roll with the good days and accept the bad days.  I've learned that I'm not alone in my loneliness.  I've learned that I don't have to be lonely.  I've learned that I quite like to be alone. Sometimes.

I've also learned that life is definitely hand knitted and while I might feel that the needles I've been given are a bit wonky, I've got used to them and have learned how to create something pretty and unique. Caring for mum has given me a new insight into life, I've got a connection with her now that I never had growing up and I'm making memories that, with good fortune, I'll never forget.